If Samuel Gerard Were A Judge…

…he’d write opinions like this!

And such news of an amicable settlement having made this Court happier than a tick on a fat dog because it is otherwise busier than a one legged cat in a sand box and, quite frankly, would have rather jumped naked off of a twelve foot step ladder into a five gallon bucket of porcupines than have presided over a two week trial of the herein dispute, a trial which, no doubt, would have made the jury more confused than a hungry baby in a topless bar and made the parties and their attorneys madder than mosquitoes in a mannequin factory;

The Honorable Martin Sheehan of the Kenton Circuit Court of Kentucky spiced up these proceedings through this opinion peppered with mixed metaphors and country-fied adages so delightful it makes readers happier than a lawyer in a nursing home.

Via Politico.